Thursday, 5 January 2012


That's a pretty accurate word for the last week.

Skipping around between having the time of my life and feeling like shit is pretty draining. I don't particularly want to mention the second, so I shall merrily skim over that part, saying only that I am severely emotionally drained and feel both more and less alone than I have for a long time. It's a rather confusing state.

One thing related to that I will mention, however. When poor little me is sad, poor little me can't eat. And my fairly high metabolism speeds itself up to cope with all the effort one puts into moping. When my mum woke up, came downstairs and said hi to me this morning, about half an hour after returning home, she followed up with 'you look thin'. This kind of worries me that it's obvious. I can see me getting yelled at about it from people who know what went on.

But enough about that.

This New Years, as with last year, I left the country to be with my lovely and wonderful internet friends! Unlike last time, however, I was in Germany. First time there. Although I didn't really see a lot, I rather liked it. Sightseeing wasn't especially the idea of this meet up, though, so I can forgive that. Who cares about looking at things when you can just hang out, chat and be ridiculous with a rather fantastic bunch of people?

And when I say 'ridiculous', I mean it. An example being these guys singing/bopping along to the 10 hour version of 'What is Love?' This must have gone on for over half an hour, I'm sure... That is until one of them got fed up and turned it off, much to my amusement but to the distress of all the others

As with last year, we celebrated New Years three times. First for Finland, which was a 'huzzah, let's drink to that!', second for Germany, which was your proper New Years thing with all the usual fireworks, alcohol and kisses, and third was for us Brits and the real start of the year (because GMT is real time and you all know it) was our traditionally loud and half-forgotten rendition of Auld Lang Syne.

My time there was fantastic (in between my moments of going 'woe is me!', of course.) I love these guys, they are like my family. As much as I love my 'real' family, they know bugger all about me. This collection of misfits from the internet know more about me than anyone in real life ever could. As a collective, I owe them so much, even if the occasional individual will inevitably irritate the hell out of me, but isn't that always the way with friends? I care for each and everyone one of them, and it makes me so happy to know that they care about me too, even when I'm being the single most frustrating creature on the planet.

At this point, I feel an obligatory 'resolutions' mention, as I actually have some which I intend to stick to. None of that 'be more organised/healthy/outgoing' stuff, because that's the kind of thing which, well... It's boring and you never do it in the end. So here are my three:

  1. Stop thinking that I'm shit - Yes, that is the actual wording of that one. The idea here is to stop putting myself down all the time. Far too often, I just call myself useless or pathetic and just brush my own comments off. But they can't be good. Along side that, I have to stop thinking I'm doing everything wrong and expecting to be chastised for it, especially including reading every possible negative response into any reaction I get.
  2. Learn some fucking Finnish - Again, this is the actual wording. I'm rather loving this. But yes. I want to learn some fucking Finnish. I decided this about a year ago, but I'm still very rubbish at it. Now I've been given a real learning-book from that fantastic Finn, I can start to do things properly. Don't get me wrong, the lessons she gave me were useful, but a little bit all over the place. 
  3. Learn to be me - And this is the big one. And it can't really be done without the first 'resolution'. But it is very, very important. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself, and I kinda need to find me again since I can definitely no longer live through my now ex-girlfriend. I want to finally follow my ambitions and get to a place where I can be happy

And there we have it. This is where I start my year, now I am back home. Not the Sunday just gone when I was in Germany, but now that I am back where I 'belong' and can begin to think clearly.

Now for something maybe a bit less depressing. I have developed a new obsession. What?
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Yes, this obsession did spring out of seeing the American adaptation of the book. I'm slightly ashamed of that because I wanted to see the Swedish films when they were out but never got around to it. The same deal with reading the books. I saw the film on the day it opened, almost purely because this version of Lisbeth has such a striking resemblance to a character of mine. Yes, I did want to see it anyway as I was fairly interested in all the other versions as previously mentioned, but it could have waited until I got back from Germany. 
The film was good. I loved it. So much. 
So much so that I saw it the following day too. I saw it twice in 18 hours, I think. 
And now I own the book. I bought it on my travels and very much appreciated that when I opened my wallet to pull out some cash, I had no Stirling but only Swedish Kronor. 
I love Lisbeth. She's fucked up in every way possible and is still this amazingly strong character with that 'I don't care, I'm still doing things my way' attitude. It's quite endearing, even if she is a wee bit terrifying.

And I will admit at this point that Rooney Mara's Lisbeth is making me want to start wearing all my black, leather and metal again. And I have been. And I like it.

And it gives me a nice ego boost when people say that they love what I'm wearing.
I think I'll not try and emulate that hair, though because a) there's no way I could pull that off, probably and b) I'm loving my long-ish red hair, thank you very much.

Here's hoping that I can steal myself a little bit of badassery.

Here's hoping that I'll have a good year. If it's even anywhere near half as good as the first half of 2011, then I'll be a very lucky Wolfey indeed!
I know it's going to be a difficult start, but I'm ready to pick up the pieces and try again.

Wish me luck.

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October Wolfe
Jester of Misfortune.
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