Monday, 12 December 2011

Rope Burn

My arms ache. My neck ache. My legs ache. My ass aches. My hands ache.
And why's that?

Because I am yet again working on a show!
Like last time, my job is to climb up into the fly tower and pull ropes to make things appear and disappear. The show is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and it's looking really good. Well, from what I can tell from up with the ropes.

My wonderful view from the fly tower

Pulling ropes is easy enough, but not so much when you have to move multiple things at one. At one point, I have to lower one thing and raise another, which means running back and forth in the dark and trying not to trip over everything or whack my legs into winch handles (the latter of which I have done multiple times....). At one point, I'm going to have to get an assistant up there with me because there is no way in hell I'll be able to move a backdrop and two flats on my own in the time I have to do it. But hey, at least I don't have to lift and wiggle something that is heavier than me. With fishing wire. While working a third rope. Damn you, Return to the Forbidden Planet!

I must say, though, even though it hurts, I love crewing shows from up on my shelf. Yesterday, I climbed up to the very top of the proscenium and rigged up a rope on my own. Last time I got called u there, my left arm panicked and wouldn't let go of the ladder, so I never even managed to do anything.

I'm starting to really enjoy all of this stuff. I think, however, I'm going to have to work out a fair bit so I don't kill my arms after a night of lifting flats and curtains. Poor, poor little arms!

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


I've seen posts of things on all sorts about what people keep in their bag. Now, I change bags a lot. Instead, I thought 'Hey, why not do a post about the things I keep in the pockets of my jacket." The jacket itself is a little interesting - It's a suit jacket/ blazer, and I got it from a dumpster in Gothenburg, Sweden, on the second of January or something. Either way, it's super cool. And has quite large pockets. 

  • Plastic Duck - I found this on the floor last night on the way back from the cinema
  • Superworld Unknown - A solid perfume from Lush in Covent Garden. Got it on my Londonventure.
  • Train Tickets (i) - Return from Middlesbrough to Hartlepool, ie. My town to my college town.
  • Ticket Stub (i) - From An Early Burly Christmas - a Burlesque pantomime
  • Warheads - From Amy when she went to London with college. Oh, how I love warheads.
  • Salmiakki - The strangest type of liquorice I've ever eaten. But it's lovely. And Finnish. And this box is actually from Finland. Helsinki-Vantaa airport, to be precise.
  • UHU - Super glue. Because you never know when you need to stick some things. Or maybe it's from carting things to and from college.
  • Nerf Darts - One of these is mine, the other two are from around the cinema in town. I do wonder who is having nerf fights out there...
  • Flyer - For The Hootchy Kootchy Roadshow which is apparently 'a burlesque spectacular'. Includes a 2 for 1 ticket thing.
  • Sweets - Liquorice/Aniseed lozenges. Because i am ill.
  • Half A Key - Found it in the road when I decided to walk the almost 4 miles home from the Teeside University Students Union. After midnight. I thought it was cool.
  • Ticket Stub (ii) - From the Headline Honeys burlesque show during Teesside Uni.'s Freshers.
  • Envelope - A tiny Christmas card! It's from Kristina, a friend from college and has Princess Cinderella on it. She does not, however, have a stupid, glittering body.
  • Train Tickets (ii) - Ticket from Middlesbrough to Hartlepool to see the Early Burly Christmas thing. And the receipt for said train ticket.
  • Wallet - Final Fantasy VIII Griever wallet that I got at Nemacon this year. Has useful things in it like my debit card, college card, TUS card, SubCard, Unlimited Card and English money. It also has not so useful things like 50 Kronor (Swedish) and 1 Dollar (USA). Ok, they are sort of useful, but not when you're in England.
  • Passport - Because I have no other form of ID, and you never know when you might want to flee the country.
EDIT: Also, just posted a couple of photos from my Cirquepunk college project over on, my design blog. Go look. They're pretty. 
Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Music Box II: Things what are signed

A fair chunk of my spending recently, outside of college related things, has been on music. Going to gigs, buying merch, ordering a VIP ticket for an Emilie Autumn gig...
This, of course, means that I need a new Music Box post.

I'm going to call this one Things what are signed, for obvious reasons.

1. Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman 

Got this at the AFP gig I mentioned a few posts back. I wish I'd known Neil was going to be there, I'd have taken a book for him to sign for my sister. But oh well.

2. Angelspit

From April '10. Went to see them up in Sunderland. The pair of them were lovely - they wandered around for quite a while after the gig, talking to people and signing, well, everything.

3. The Birthday Massacre

October '10. Made a wee post about that gig way back then. I managed to get the setlist, and then hunted down all of TBM. It was harder than it sounds. Although they stayed (mostly) in the venue, they kept moving around, and not together, may I add. Got 'em all, though, and was super happy!

4. Ayria

Infest '10. Another lovely one! Jennifer Parkin is lovely. Seriously. Can't say much else about her. Oh, and she's good at singing. Of course. I have a signed poster too, but it's pretty much the same image.

5. Bitter Ruin

September '11. I bought ALL the merch. Seriously. I got that much merch that I filled up their little loyalty card and got given free merch. The first person to do that, too. That tour poster is extra good because it has the Edinburgh AFP date as well as the York one. It's like 'yeah, I saw them with Amanda Fucking Palmer as well.' I got a CD signed too, but that got posted off to Finland 'cause I'm nice like that.

6. Emilie Autumn

October '08. My first EA gig. My first gig on my own. And oh my god, it was amazing. This CD needs two photos because it's so freaking signed. I somehow managed to get first in the queue for signing that night, don't ask me how. I got quite a bit of time with her, which was fab, but it was also before the crumpets came out and joined her. But oh well. 

7. Abney Park

Following seeing Abney Park on Friday night (which was amazing, if you were wondering), I found myself at a signing on Saturday afternoon. Since I'd forgotten all of my money at home on Friday, I had no merch, nothing to sign. They were selling, though, their CDs. At a loss as to which one to get, I decided on, and I quote, ALL the CDs!

As I was thinking about which one to get signed, Jody piped up with "d'you want us to sign all of them?", with a smile.
"Uhh, sure, why not?" I answered, and the Airship Pirates set off a miniature production line. And there they are. Each as signed as the others.

I have a couple of other things, like a letter from Captain Maggots (wheeeeee! ), but I don't think those things especially count as 'things what are signed'.
So there you go.
Thursday, 13 October 2011


I've got a bunch of draft-posts that I've started writing and then gave up on for one reason or another. I'm so ashamed of myself, not managing to write anything properly in a while. But hey, life likes to get in the way of things.
The last little chunk of 'life' that separated me from the world of blogging was a spontaneous 2-day trip down to London. Six and a half hours on a coach both ways, and I'm aching now. What was I thinking?
I planned my little trip with intention of doing some research for college, like hunting down street performers and visiting museums and such...
And I did, to an extent.

The plan was to go to Covent Garden as soon as I got into London, but that failed when I found myself automatically veering off towards the Gatwick Express.
"No," I told myself, "You're not going to Finland. You're in London. Go to Camden or something."
So I did.
After a mooch around the wonderful Camden (and buying an earring and resisting the temptation to go get my ear pierced again right there and then), I went to my usual hostel. At this point, I realised that I had a lot of time to kill since I didn't have my mac with me. Oh dear. What is a girl to do?

I went to see Wicked.

I managed to get a ticket for £24.50, and, upon securing that, I finally went to Covent Garden. And I did get some photos of street performers, which is like 'hey, well done! You've done what you came to do!', and then off to the Apollo Victoria I went.
So there I was, looking a bit scruffy with a huge bag on my back, and I decided to make the proceedings even classier by buying myself a blue slush to slurp merrily through the first act.
And oh, how I loved Wicked. Seeing a musical on my own seemed a little odd at first, but then, I do most things on my own. So that was ok. And who the hell cares, anyway?
I did have to make a phone call in the interval to express, with sounds that probably only bats could hear, how amazingly exciting I found everything. That, and to say that Elphaba and Glinda are, and I quote, "So gay for each other."
This was repeated after the show, and I headed back to the Clink.

The next day, I found myself, quite by accident, in the British Museum. Like you do. It was less than useful for my college work, so I went to go look at mummies instead. I would have gone to the V&A, but I couldn't remember which tube station was closest.
I ended up there, by the way, by again attempting to go to Covent Garden. I should probably work on my directional skills.
Then fun stuff happened.
While quite happily sitting on the floor in King's Cross, reading The Grimmerie, I got attacked so menacingly by the wonderful Marie and Gav. We ventured to Camden on a (thoroughly successful) Nerd hunt and wandered down by the canal, back along to King's Cross. Not too long after, they left me at Victoria station for my journey home.

And yes, I'm cutting this short as I am under orders to watch Pushing Daisies!
So, until next time....
Saturday, 24 September 2011

Shameless Self Promotion

As well as this, I have a rarely-updated dream blog, but I want to start posting in that too, 'cause
a) my dreams are damn weird
b) I occasionally get creatively inspired by stuff I dream about.

So, if anyone feels like seeing what the inside of my head looks like while I'm asleep...
Whispers in the Cosmos
Tuesday, 20 September 2011


ohgod. I haven't posted anything in a long while. It's not that I haven't had anything to write about, it's that I didn't have words for how amazing my summer was.

In July, I went back to Finland ♥
To the people who haven't been to Finland, go there! It is officially my favourite country. Finland is love. I've only been to Helsinki/Vantaa, but I want to go exploring. I want to see Finland in the snow. Not the snow we have here, but the proper snow that you could probably drown and/or bury yourself in if you fell over in it. I want to go running around in the woods, looking for fauns and moomins and other such probably imaginary things. I want to go and shove myself into a proper sauna and almost die because I'm English and tend not to try and cook myself for fun.
As such, I'm currently (and rather badly) trying to learn Finnish so I can go and frolic to my heart's content.

But, back to the point.
Again, I stayed with the lovely Salla, and I went to the Plague Picnic - An Emilie Autumn fan meet-up for the Finns. It was rather fun, watching them make fairy wings and scarfing down cakes, but, of course, with them being Finns, they spoke mostly in Finnish, so I just sat there and and understood every 200th word or something. Eventually, I got put in charge of a camera, so I had something to do. It was really fun, though. I loved it.
Again, I spent far too much money on sweets, but it is completely worth it. Unfortunately, I didn't come home with any Missä X as the airport shops didn't have any...

A week into my little adventure in July, me and Salla jetted off to Belgium to go to ICMU (International Chat Meet-Up for those not in the know). Now, that was a fun gathering. It was brilliant to finally meet all of these people I've been chatting with on the internet for well over a year. I'd met a few at the New Years meet up last year (Or this year. Or both...), and they'd all met each other before at various other gatherings, and now I feel like I'm properly part of the group.

The fabled 'cuddlepuddle'

Near enough straight after ICMU, another meet-up was planned - Another NYE gathering, this time in Germany. With any luck, I'll be able to go to that and see all my wonderful friends again.

In August, I went off on another little adventure, this time to see Amanda Fucking Palmer in Edinburgh. Now, that doesn't sound particularly adventurous, but when you take into account that, because it was during the Fringe and everywhere was expensive, I couldn't book anywhere to stay the night. Luckily, Amy, my shrunken elf of a friend, came along with me at the last minute. After the gig, we ended up having a wander and then stumbled across a midnight tour of the vaults, which we ended up going on because a) it was a way to kill time and b) I love going in the vaults. After that, we sat in a pub until the train station opened, then went and sat in there and waited for our ridiculously early train back home.
The gig was amazing. I've been waiting for ages for a chance to see AFP live, and she certainly didn't disappoint. I only wish that we could have been down at the front instead of sitting up on the balcony, but

  • Amy is tiny and wouldn't have been able to see at all
  • I managed to almost cripple myself by tripping over a chain fence and slamming myself into the floor, hitting my leg and elbows that hard that I thought I'd broken something.
By the time I'd actually had some sleep, my neck had seized up too, making me think that I'd given myself whiplash or something. But oh well. It was completely worth it.

In more recent news, it was my birthday yesterday! I'm now 22, which seems almost impossible to me since I believe that I stopped ageing at 17 or 18. There's no way I'm old enough to be 22.
I don't have much to say about my birthday, since nothing especially good happened. It was my first day back at college and that, combined with not sleeping enough all weekend, meant that I was far too tired and unwilling to do anything exciting. Ho hum.
Last week, though, me and a friend went to see Bitter Ruin as our birthday thing, as his is coming up soon too. We were quite sad that Bad Pollyanna, who were meant to be supporting, dropped out, but BR were fantastic. So fantastic that I bought all of the merch. All of it. And then some.

So there you go!
That's pretty much everything I've done since last time I posted.

Ohh, and I stopped with my film posts 'cause I didn't want a whole row of them with nothing else, but I have an account on iCheckMovies if anyone cares about that.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011

...What is life?

My entire world is turned upside down.

I recently discovered that Idina Menzel is both Maureen from Rent and Elphaba from Wicked.

This is exactly why I try not to pay any attention to actors.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

June Film Round-Up!

  1. X-Men: First Class
  2. Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules
  3. Hangover Part II
  4. Mother's Day
  5. Bad Teacher
  6. Stake Land
  7. Green Lantern 
Thursday, 23 June 2011


On this map, I have dotted the places I have been to. 
Though, saying that, there are plenty more places in the UK that I've been to, but adding them all would just be a pain, especially on a map of this size.
Outside of the UK, though, I only have five dots. Five! Two in France and one in Cyprus, Sweden and Finland. Cyprus was my only real 'holiday' abroad. France was a school trip and Sweden and Finland were more 'visiting people' than 'holiday'. In my family, we were never big on foreign holidays 'cause they cost so much. Instead, we would go somewhere in England, Scotland or Wales in our caravan. 
My parents, however, have been all over the place in recent years. Ireland, Germany, Belgium, Norway, Italy and a Mediterranean cruise. They went to Switzerland many years ago and once my dad went to South Africa.
I'm kinda jealous of them. 
Ok, I'm going to Belgium in July, and back to Finland, but even with the added dots that my Summerventure will give me, my map will still be so empty. It makes me want to go places like Russia, Switzerland and Germany. If I did that, my dots would soon get more spread out. 

But, of course I have the travelling bug, I'm in my early twenties! That's when people go backpacking across Europe, right?
A friend of mine has already been 'Eurotripping', and she's been to Cambodia and Thailand.

I want to travel the world some day. I want to see everything.

In other news, I got some weights today from a friend. Big, proper weights. Now I have no excuse for such feeble upper body strength. Gonna work out with these and I'll be super-good at trapeze in no time!
Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Does anyone see me out here?

My whole life, I've felt like I'm on the outside, like there's something going on that I'm never a part of. As time has gone on, I've been pushed further and further to the edge of this reality that everyone is living in, only having moments where I've belonged somewhere. So often these days, I feel like I'm alone in a non-world, and it wouldn't really matter if I never went back to where all the happy faces live. All the people who are part of something.
I'm desperate for one of them to take me by the hand and pull me back.
But I guess that's just how life works. You have to drag yourself through the unknown to get to that shining beacon. Maybe someone will reach their hand out to you to help you on your way. You just have to be careful not to get blinded once you get there.

I do have one connection to the world, my very own shining thing I can see through the shadows that obscure the paths to the reality that everyone else lives in. That is where I want to be. Right there in that warm, glowing light.

Where is my own light? Can I not use that to see through the darkness? Someone, bring me a match. Let me light the sky on fire so I can join the world.
Monday, 20 June 2011

Hello again, Hunter

I took the title for this post from a photo of me in costume that showed up on deviantArt. This weekend was the second Nemacon, North East Manga and Anime Convention and I, once again, went as a Hunter from Left 4 Dead. Well, Left 4 Dead 2, to be exact. I kind of wish I'd gotten some proper photos of my costume since I put a fair bit of effort into my zombie-mutated boils and such.

Rar. (
A few people ran over and hugged me and many more complimented me on my costume. A few asked me if I had chocolate buttons stuck to my arm, but that was to be expected. It was my first time trying anything like this to this level. One girl ate the blood from the claw wounds on my leg after I told her it was made of golden syrup and coffee. That was a bit odd. 
There were more L4D cosplayers on Sunday, but when I woke up, I just didn't have it in me to stick latex to my arms and legs and cover myself in facepaint. I wish I'd make myself do it as there was a really kickass Witch I could have got some photos with.

My favourite thing of the weekend, however, was that I got to buy the new and remastered boxset of Revolutionary Girl Utena, my favourite anime. Right away, I wanted to cosplay Utena, the main character, and my sister pretty much ordered me to do it too.

Take my Revolution

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was jump in the shower and wash the masses of hairspray left over from my attempt at a really simple backup cosplay for Sunday - Death from Sandman. I should have done it last night, but I was far too busy looking into where I could get a Duelist Ring and reading a Let's Play of the Utena Sega game. 
After that, I put in the first disc of that boxset into my DVD player. When the menu screen came up and the theme tune played, I couldn't help but smile. When I started the first episode and the opening began, I instantly went from lounging on my bed to sitting upright, facing my TV and giving the show my full attention. I watched this back when I was in school, seeing it an episode at a time, my sister downloading torrents with our dial-up internet. It seems like an age ago since then. My sister always jokes that she made me into a lesbian by making me watch Utena (unknowingly, of course. I'm not out to my family). I laugh, but I think maybe it helped me come to terms with it or something. 

I know just one thing for sure - The show certainly sparked my love of military jackets.

Now, something non-con related.

Two weeks ago, I became very aware that I'd put on a bit of weight. Not a lot, but enough to make me feel uncomfortable and unable to get into one of my favourite pairs of trousers. I'd been wanting to get my abs looking all nice and awesome for when I went to Belgium (no reason for that, just because it I thought 'yeah, that's a doable amount of time') and suddenly realised that the exact opposite had happened. In the time I'd been off college, I'd just lazed around and ate a load of crap. Upon that realisation, my lack of self-confidence teamed up with some hidden self-loathing and told me 'you're all fat and worthless'.  I think I pretty much went and looked for some disapproval for thinking that because, upon getting that, my sensible brain kicked in and told me
a) I was being stupid
b) I wasn't fat at all
c) I could easily get rid of that bit of squish and get back to my usual size

So, I decided to stop eating crap and work out a bit. 

And now, here I am, two weeks later, quite happily starting to see my abs again. Two weeks ago, I couldn't see them at all. I'm not sure at all how I managed that.

Oh, hello there.

I am rather proud of myself.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Love of the Living Dead

It's getting darker as a huge grey cloud covers most of what I can see of the sky from my window. The wind is picking up and I can hear a car or a house alarm in the distance. Is a storm a-coming?
I can just about see rain now, and my rats have woken up. Can't tell if that's because of the weather or the sound of the printer. I's a bit eerie, however, since I've just been doing some research for my dissertation regarding zombies and horror films.
Speaking of which, I have 6 films and a short television series to watch and 4 films to re-watch. Oh, and read two books (and buy the other ones that I need). All about zombies.
And I guess I have to play Dead Rising too.

And then write a 5000 word dissertation. If you can call it that. It's more like a long essay.

Oh, yes. and I need to finish making a zombie costume.
Saturday, 4 June 2011


I miss your touch.
I miss your voice.
I miss your smell.
I miss listening to your heartbeat.
I miss hugging you.
I miss laughing with you.
I miss waking up next to you.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss your smile.
I miss watching films with you.
I miss watching you play the piano.
I miss hearing you sing.
I miss you translating things for me.
I miss you holding me in your arms and making me feel safe.
I miss making food with you.
I miss talking with you.
I miss sleeping in your bed.
I miss you telling me what to do.
I miss sharing music with you.
I miss watching you hoop.
I miss kissing you.
I miss being with you.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

May Film Round-up!

  1. Hanna
  2. Insidious
  3. Attack the Block
  4. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Omnomnom, Jack Sparrow... *___*
Friday, 27 May 2011

Money, thou art a heartless bitch

I am currently very jealous of my dear Sally Slander. We were talking about circuses the other night after she went to go and see one, and it's gotten me all hyped up again about the subject.

In merry old England, down in London, you can do an actual degree in circus arts. It's just amazing. If I could, I would go and do it. But....

  • Living in London is damn expensive.
  • Degrees are damn expensive.
  • I found out about this one after I started my current degree, so I couldn't get funding for all two/three years.
  • Degrees are more expensive if you already have one
  • Degrees are even more expensive now that our government is, excuse my language, fucking ridiculous.
Over in Finland, they don't have the godawful idea that you have to sell your soul if you want to learn something. As far as I'm aware, you don't have to pay anything, just your own living costs. 
I am jealous of her, over in Finland, with her not-shit government and 'I think I'll go and learn whatever'. And she can. She could just go and do it.
But me? I'm stuck here on this rock that used to be the most powerful country in the world, unable to do anything because the government keeps running out of money by being a yes-man to the USA. 

I'm having my dreams crushed because of money. Part of me wants me to have failed second year so I'd have two years of funding left and be able to do the FdA in Circus Arts.
Besides, what use is a degree in which you've specialised in costume if you want to be a circus freak?
I have a year left on that degree. Maybe something will magically appear by the time I've finished.
If not, I'll just have to resign to my fate of being a lowly, unexciting costumier (and hell, even getting a job in that field is unlikely).

Or run away to Finland. 

Don't get me wrong, I do love making costumes. I'd be so thrilled if I got a proper costuming job. If someone offered me work designing costumes for a film or something, I'd jump at the chance. The only problem is this.
I have been told that I am a 'natural performer'. I am, act and look ridiculous. I over gesture when I want to be mock-dramatic. I can slip into character in an instant.
The only problem with that is that I lack confidence in myself. But that's fixable, I'm sure.
But yes, the first problem. With that comes the inability to be able to stand the monotony of your every day job. I'd go mad if I had to sit in an office all day or answer phones, or even just stand at a checkout and have to listen to the endless 'bip...bip...bip...' as things got their barcodes read.

Yes, 'costumier' is not that, It's not that at all. 
My heart is in the creation of costumes, of props, of design, but my soul belongs to the circus.

Sunday, 8 May 2011


On Friday, I was sitting in the Teesside University SU with people from the cast and crew of Return to the Forbidden Planet. We were having some food and drinks before going over to the main hall to set up for the show when the stage manager asked me a question.

"How do you cope?"

This came shortly after I was asked if I'd had a good time in Finland, and I'd told them about my plans to go back there and to Belgium.
It was quite a difficult question. The only answer I could give was "I have no idea."

Have you ever been sat alone in your house, bored, and thought "Oh, I'll go and see my girl/boy/whatever-friend", or wanted to go and watch a film with someone, or just simply wanted a hug?
Well, that's my everyday dilemma. I have to continue just sitting on my own.

It gets hard, of course it does, but it feels so amazing when you get to see your love after three months of waiting. I hear people whining because they haven't seen their whatever for three days. They'll never know the joy that I feel when I get to hold my dear Salla in my arms.

That is how I cope, I guess. Love keeps me strong.

Here's to you, sweetheart <3
Saturday, 30 April 2011

April Film Round-up!

  1. Sucker Punch
  2. Sucker Punch (in Helsinki)
  3. Arthur
  4. Thor

Say what you like about Sucker Punch; I loved it.
Yes, it was a little lacking, and yes, it could have been much better....
....but still....

And the soundtrack?
Friday, 29 April 2011

Mannequin Love

As you may know, I am an art student.
No, I don't throw paint around or sketch nudes or anything like that.
I design costumes.
Props, too, but I'm hoping to specialise in costume design.

The course BA(hons) is Entertainment Design Crafts, the place is Cleveland College of Art and Design. It's a nice little college up in the North East of England. Apparently, people don't expect us to be there, thinking that all the art colleges are in the south.

But yes.

Ents is a rather fun place. A couple of days ago, a few mannequins appeared out of one of the store rooms, perhaps. In bits.
Eventually, they were put together. Before that, however...

Well, would you have expected anything less?
Of course a disembodied arm is going to be having its way with a nude mannequin.

It's an art college.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Defying Gravity

[---Written during a flight from Helsinki to Manchester---]

I should be writing an essay right now (and, in fact, I am), but I want to write down my thoughts as they come to me. It's going to be a fairly long flight, so I don't want to forget them. I've been on the plane about 45 minutes and I've nearly eaten a whole bag of Missä X. It's a little upsetting as they are super tasty and I won't be able to get any more until I go back to Finland, which will be god knows when. Ok, yes, I have another four packets in my case, but that's not the point. To begin with, I was munching them down to distract myself, to try to stop myself from crying again. It's the most painful thing, leaving your love behind in another country. Of course, that's understandable, understandable. Yes, it's perfectly understandable...

Something has changed within me, something is not the same….
Ahh, Wicked...
I'm now over half way through this essay, and my stomach is a little sore. Not the organ itself, but my skin. 
Serves me right, I guess. My back is tingling a bit too, but that is ever so lovely. Not especially looking forward to having to carry my college bag again, but I guess we're both in the same boat with that one!

71% done and I just want to sit and stare out of the window. It's a little difficult as my back isn't really agreeing with the twisting, and also it's dark out there and all I can see is the red flashing light at the end of the wing. It's nothing like when we took off from Helsinki-Vantaa airport when I could see the city below and waved goodbye to such a lovely country, or rather 'I'll see you soon.' There's no way I can stay away from there for too long. I just couldn't. Now now.

The plane is turning now and there's that slight disorienting feeling. I'm not sure where I am at all, but there was an announcement about putting up the drinks trays for landing. Can't be landing soon, it's only 21:30. That's English time. Feels like 23:30. I'm a little sleepy. I wonder how I'm going to be able to stay awake until 06:00 tomorrow to catch the megabus… Just keep writing, I guess. There's no way I can really fall asleep in the airport anyway. Would they even let me stay there all night? I'll just have to find out when it comes to that. Having to stay awake, though, means I have to write my essays since I'll have nothing else to do. Can't even go on the internet because it'll a) cost me money and b) kill my battery. Can't imagine that the airport would let me plug in my mac anywhere. Ho hum.

Oh, I'm so tired. This isn't fair.
Well, saying that, I should have wrote my essays before I went away to Finland, or even written more while I was there. 
I did try to write while I was there, but I just wanted to be with Salla all the time, and writing an essay is, well… not being with her. Just writing that now is making me get all teary-eyed again. Oh, what am I going to be like tomorrow when people ask me about my trip?

I wonder if they sell iPods for a decent price at the airport….
Seatbelt sign is on, and we're going down.

Hello England.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Red Pyramid Thing

The 'Portfolio Shot'

One girl with a camera, one girl in a costume, one abandoned factory. Sounds like a photoshoot to me. 
*crosses it off the list*

Two things in one week. I'm rather amazed.

  1. Get a degree in Entertainment Design Crafts
  2. Join the circus / Form my own troupe
  3. Follow a band/musician around the country
  4. Go to a music festival
  5. Visit America
  6. Go on a road trip
  7. See Insects vs. Robots 
  8. Become well known for something
  9. Perform on stage
  10. Have an unusual pet
  11. Travel the world
  12. Go to Burning Man
  13. See 50 films at the cinema in a year
  14. Be in a photoshoot
  15. Be an extra in something
  16. Get a job
  17. Move out of parents house
  18. Be in a Nerf War
  19. Sell something I’ve made
  20. Climb a mountain
Thursday, 31 March 2011

March Film Round-up!

1. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
2. The Adjustment Bureau
3. Gnomeo and Juliet
4. I am Number Four
5. Unknown
6. Rango


From the first time, dancing to 'Stripper'

After some shenanigans at Bad Medicine Rock Club, I can cross another thing off of my list.
After pole dancing to mOBSCENE by Marilyn Manson, I think I can safely say that I've performed on stage. 
Even if it was just a little stage.
I did it a few weeks ago too, but I'd just completely zoned out. I wasn't aware of the world beyond the tiny stage area. This time, though, I was completely aware of what was going on. Probably got a confidence boost after last time.
  1. Get a degree in Entertainment Design Crafts
  2. Join the circus / Form my own troupe
  3. Follow a band/musician around the country
  4. Go to a music festival
  5. Visit America
  6. Go on a road trip
  7. See Insects vs. Robots 
  8. Become well known for something
  9. Perform on stage
  10. Have an unusual pet
  11. Travel the world
  12. Go to Burning Man
  13. See 50 films at the cinema in a year
  14. Be in a photoshoot
  15. Be an extra in something
  16. Get a job
  17. Move out of parents house
  18. Be in a Nerf War
  19. Sell something I’ve made
  20. Climb a mountain
Sunday, 27 March 2011

100 (mostly) irrelevant facts about this blogger

1. I should probably be doing college work right now, but I am, as you can tell, procrastinating. I'm quite good at that.
2. I am currently studying Entertainment Design Crafts and will (hopefully) specialise in costume.
3. I dream of being a 'proper' circus freak.
4. I am a little circus freak though; I do static trapeze, flowersticks, staff, hooping and stilt walking (although, none of them very well).
5. I like zombies; zombie films, zombie games, zombie books... I'm even writing my dissertation about zombies.
6. I have a dodgy shoulder. It messes stuff up a lot, like trying to meet college deadlines.
7. I've been studying Art & Design (by choice) for nearly seven years.
8. I often feel like I don't belong here.
9. My hair is purple and has been as such (or a shade of red) since 2007.
10. The walls of my bedroom are covered in posters, photos, gig tickets, flyers, other things of the like and chalk writing.
11.  ... and a chalk drawing of my 'creepy jester', which has been there for about four years.
12. I have a tiny obsession with jesters.
13. ...and playing cards. The fact that the joker often resembles a jester is just fantastic.

14. My favourite playing card, however, is the Jack of Spades, and I relate to it in a rather odd way that I will not get into.
15. I own two (or three) bass guitars, but I'm not so good at playing them.
16. I used to play the violin as a child. I can't remember anything now.
17. I always wear my ankh. Always.
18. The majority of my socks are knee-high or over, and the majority of those are striped.
19. I hardly ever wear makeup (except when I'm going out)
20. ...and when I do, people think I'm trying to impress someone.
21. I may come off as being hyperactive at times, but away from my friends, I'm as calm as anything.
22. I'm extremely loyal to the ones I love the most, and would go the extra mile for them if I had to (or just could, for that matter...).
23. I love dressing up.
24. I want to go circus-gypsying around Europe. Possibly next year, possibly not.
25. Whitby Goth Weekends are my favourite events of the year.
26. I like to buy things for people. It makes me super happy to see them smile when they get a gift.
27. I cosplay occasionally, but I'm not amazingly into it like some people.
28. I have five pairs of New Rocks, all of which are second hand.

29. Every second that I'm not with my love, my heart aches.
30. I feel wrong if I'm not wearing any black. Unless I'm playing dress up.
31. It pisses me off so much when people get so over-dramatically shocked when I wear 'colour'. Yes, I felt like wearing blue/green/red/whatever. What of it?
32. My longest relationship was one year, nine months. For over a year of it, I despised my partner.
33. ... And when I see them now, like I did on Friday, I panic. A lot. I shall not mention why, however, as I could rant for hours.
34. Unless something horrible happens in the next four days, the relationship I am in now will my second longest.
35. I play video games now and then, my favourites being Left 4 Dead, Silent Hill and Final Fantasy games.
36. I am a little bit of a music addict.
37. I listen to, among other genres, Industrial, Electronic, EBM, Gothic Rock, Dark Cabaret, Victoriandustrial, New Age, Rock and various types of Metal.
38. I prefer reading 'Young Adult' books because I find that the pacing can be so slow in 'older' books.
39. I tried to read Dracula once. It dragged far too much for my liking. 
40. ... the same with Lord of the Rings. I just couldn't get into it.
41. I don't want to learn how to drive. If anything, I want a motorbike.
42. I have photos of me circusing as a child. My favourite one is the one of me with a flowerstick.
43. I like wearing masks. The creepier the better.

44. My mum describes me room as 'A serial killer's bedroom.'
45. I like hats. Yes I do.
46. I want to be in a proper photoshoot at some point.
47. I mostly wear band t-shirts.
48. I do not own any skirts or dresses and have very little desire to do so.
49. ... as wearing them makes me feel uncomfortable.
50. I have far too many clothes that I never wear. I should probably fix that.
51. I'm probably part goth, part 'alt' (whatever that is...) with a little bit of hippie thrown in.
52. ... Though, I like to use the term 'Cirquepunk', but I am yet to have a good enough collection of clothes for that.
53. I have two phones. Apparently, that's weird. I think it's necessary. 
54. My room is almost perpetually messy.
55. I think wolves are beautiful creatures, but their howls terrify me.
56. I love watching films.
57. ... I saw about 80-ish films at the cinema last year. £400+ worth.
58. My favourite genre is Psychological Horror.
59. I'm pretty well traveled within the UK, having had many holidays around England, Scotland and Wales.
60. Out of the UK, however, I've only been to France, Cyprus and Sweden.
61. ... but this year, I'll be adding Finland and (hopefully) Belgium to that list.
62. I love having the house to myself when my parents go away on holiday, but I get lonely really quickly.
63. I quite love that point you can get to with alcohol where everything feels wonderful, but I hate being drunk. I especially hate when I get myself like that accidentally. 
64. ... but luckily, I tend to sober up in about half an hour.
65. I love IKEA.
66. I used to be pretty damn clever, but then I decided that I would rather be an artist. My heart just wasn't in all that mathsy sciency stuff, regardless of me being good at it.
67. I have only ever failed two subjects - GCSE French (because my teacher put me in for the higher exam and I clearly wasn't good enough for that) and A2 Chemistry (because of the aforementioned point).
68. I cannot do forward rolls. Well... I can, but 99% of the time, I freeze up just as my head gets near the floor and I can't go any further.
69. I also cannot do backwards rolls, cartwheels or anything of the like. Some circus freak I am...
70. I am, however, fairly good at leaning backwards.
71. ... I cannot, however, touch my toes. bending forwards is not my strong suit...
72. I'm pretty damn sure that dreaming is just a person seeing the lives of other-dimension versions of themselves.

73. I cannot walk in heels. Or flip flops.
74. I like the people who are the people who I like. That's all there is to it. Sod all the straight/bi/gay thing.
75. I wash my hair with either Happy Hippy or Tramp from Lush. I have not used 'proper' shampoo (or conditioner, for that matter, except for that stuff that comes with hair dye) for months.
76. I have so many things I want to make for me to wear, but, where I live, if I wore any of them, it's likely that I'd have things thrown at me by passers-by.
77. I love button badges.
78. I am a very sleepy person.
79. I hardly ever brush my hair. It's quite a shocking event when I do.
80. I am English, not British. I have nothing against Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, I'm jus not from there.

81. I follow no religion, but I am occasionally Discordian. I believe mainly in the power of the Cosmos.
82. If I meditate on things, I often, in my head, go to a deserted beach and talk about them with Maggie Lally. I wonder if she knows about this...
83. Unless something amazing happens that would change my mind (and yes, it would have to be pretty damn amazing), I don't want to get married. Ever. Or anything of the like. 
84. I can twist my right hand (or... arm? ) around 360° due to an incident with a violin case.
85. My favourite places in the UK are Edinburgh and Whitby.
86. I've somehow managed to have never broken a bone. Except maybe my little finger on my right hand, but that might just have been badly bruised.
87. I want to, one day, climb a mountain.
88. I once got Hydrochloric Acid in my left eye. My left eye is weaker than my right one, but that might not be connected.
89. I am scared of large crowds, to an extent, sometimes they don't bother me, but I am always, always scared of Mr. Blobby.
90. I very rarely eat breakfast.
91. If I could have any super power, I'd want to be able to climb like Spiderman.
92. I spend far too much time in my bedroom.
93. I like to eat sandwiches and will put nearly anything in them.
94. The best sweets I have ever tasted are Missä X. I like them more than I like Nerds. However, the only place I can get them is Finland. This saddens me.
95. I am a massive fan of Lego, my favourite ranges being the old Pirate stuff from the 90s and the Explorians.

96. My favourite albums are Opheliac (Emilie Autumn), Pins and Needles (The Birthday Massacre), Like Drawing Blood (Gotye) and Geryl and the Great Homunculus (Insects vs. Robots)
97. I love Salla Juntunen. Yes I do.
98. I like beads. In fact, I have some in my hair. They make me feel like a pirate. Or a hippie.
99. It distresses me when people wander off in shops and the like, leaving me on my own, and I can't find them right away.
100. I once got attacked by a demon, maybe. Or a poltergeist. Or something like that. Never ever bother stone circle prisons. Ever. Trust me on this one!

And, well, there you go.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Music Box

I have nothing much of interest to blog about these days.
Or ever, for that matter.
But this is an idea I thought of in the car yesterday.

Music Box - Musics whut I like to listen to.

Emilie Autumn
What, you didn't know? Shame on you.
It's probably a bit over-dramatic to say "This woman changed my life!", but I'm going to say it anyway. Her music has gotten me through some pretty difficult times. She seemed to just be able to put into words (and music) just how I was feeling. That's the beauty of EA. Her music has emotion, and you can feel it.
I'm a Plague Rat and proud of it! I see people bashing EA, saying she's batshit crazy or whatever. Yes, she is, and she probably does over-react to most things, but that doesn't make her music any less brilliant.

The Birthday Massacre
Oh, TBM. Their music is quite pretty. Pretty?
Yes, pretty.
A couple of their songs, I could listen to them forever. Under the Stairs, Sleepwalking and Lovers End are among them.
I saw them live in October, and they were better than I could have imagined.
I've been listening to them since I was in first year at college, so... 4, 5 years? My second most listened to band after EA, if you pay attention to my

Jack Off Jill
For such a long time, JoJ was my favourite band. I'd listen to them and them only. They're not my favourite anymore. They're in a class of their own. The majority of the songs I can play on the bass are JoJ ones. Hell, I even hunted down the type of bass that Robin Moulder used so I could play them right, but never bought it, sadly.
Before I found JoJ, I barely listened to much music. I had a handful of CDs - the first Kasabian album, a couple of Bauhaus albums and one of Dimmu Borgir.  I'd listen to them on the bus and if I was walking around town on my own, but that was it.
JoJ kicked off my addiction. My CD shelf is nearly full and I can't go anywhere without my iPod.

Umm.... What?

I went to Sweden for New Years, you see. A month or so before I went, I was thinking "What's Swedish? ABBA are Swedish..." and dug out my parents copy of ABBA Gold. Turns out that years of BBC Radio 2, Magic FM and the like made me know most, if not all of their songs.
Also, Mamma Mia! is a genius musical. Yes it is.
I mention to  people that I like ABBA, and I get looks of >___>. They're good. End of.

A quite awesome Finnish band.
I don't know 99% of what they are saying (English versions of songs excluded), but I care not.
They make my ears happy.

Also, they're Finnish.

I sometimes find myself singing in Finnish. It baffles people.
This pleases me.

Dimmu Borgir
One of the two black/whatever metal bands I can stand (the other being Cradle of Filth)
I got into this band after having a crush on this goth boy, and found out that he quite liked them. I couldn't stick any of the other bands he liked, though.
After 6 years, most of the lyrics still just sound like throaty yelling to me. I like the music, however, and the overall vibe.
Sometimes, you just want to hear something that's all big and heavy.

Vermillion Lies / Kim Boekbinder
My apologies to Kim for not giving her a separate entry, but I'm not sure if I can write about her twice.
Vermillion Lies is the duo of Kim and Zoe Boekbinder, their songs being a mix of circus, folk and cabaret, among others.
They have some pretty damn fun songs, like Global Warming, The Astronomer and Circus Fish, the first two of which often get sung in the car to and from college.
The duo went their separate ways and, after quite a while of knowing that she had her own album, I got Kim Boekbinder's The Impossible Girl. I listened to it non-stop for a couple of days.

Now, I only have a few of their songs, but they deserve a mention since Miserable is second on my Top 25 Most Played on iTunes, and The Trouble and I always Hang Myself With The Same Rope are on there too.

A little bit of Dark Cabaret is good for any occasion.

As images become unruly after 7 or so, I'll perhaps do a Music Box #2 at a later date to get the others in.

Until next time, dear Reader,
Peace and love!

Wednesday, 16 March 2011


I have very much been neglecting my blog lately. Apologies.
So here's a vlog post.
I apologise for that too, it's dreadful.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Thoughts of a Bored Me

I'm sitting on the lovely purple sofa in the corner of the new extension at college, waiting for someone to finish their lesson so I can persuade them that they love me enough to suffer through a car journey with me and can put up with me, yet again, babbling about a certain Finn. Somehow, staying at college for an extra hour and a half seems better than getting the bus or the train.

Speaking of Finns, six weeks from now, I'll be in Finland. Only six weeks away. Five weeks, six days if you count the 2 hours 45 minutes I'll be there on the Wednesday. Oh, such wondrous joy!
But enough about that...

I really am just killing time here. I have no inspiration for anything interesting to write about. Just rambling along as usual. I do wish that the college would hurry up and decide to get wireless internet as the Bluetooth DUN, however useful, is slow and eats my phone battery like it's pie or something.
A photography tutor just walked past and asked me if I had an internet connection in here. Maybe that means that they are getting one?
But that's neither important or interesting.

Maybe I should be doing work; doing some design sketches or some research, or maybe trying to source more things for my costume project. The problem is, it's after 4. Can never work in college after 4. My brain just shuts off. That, and I don't have my wacom with me, so I can't do more sketches for costume. Bad stuff. Should always bring it with me, I guess.
And, point number three of why I can't do work right now is that all I have in my little noggin is, because I mentioned it a short while ago, Finland, Finland, Finland.
Oh, magickal creatures of whatever, oh, random fluctuation in the time-space continuum, oh, whatever I prayed to before and it worked, send me there now? Perhaps letting me go and get my jacket first, if you will. I imagine it's a fair bit chillier there than it is here in this corner. And maybe the power cable for my Macbook.

I could have a nap, I expect. I didn't go to bed until after 4 this morning, so it wouldn't be too unreasonable.

I could continue doodling in the back of my prop sketchbook. Then again, I got bored of that doodle.

I could go and get some chocolate?
Hmm... that sounds like a plan.

Wolfey Wolfster signing off, going on an adventure to the vending machine.
Monday, 28 February 2011

February Film Round-up!

  1. Tangled
  2. The Dilemma
  3. Black Swan
  4. Paul

Umm.... Yeah. That was it.
Bad >.<

College stuff has kept me at home.
Friday, 18 February 2011


Instead of my usual 'stay in bed until my dad gets home' on a Friday, today I had breakfast. That in itself is a wonder since I never eat breakfast. This morning, though, I made porridge. Poured in the milk, popped it in the microwave and wandered back to the living room while I waited for that little digital beep that meant I could enjoy my oaty mush. On the way, I caught sight of my legs in the mirror. I wasn't wearing pyjama bottoms because I couldn't find them before I went to sleep and was too tired to hunt them out. I noticed the indents in the sides of my thighs, indicating that I have some kind of muscle. What can I say? It looked good. I smiled. I was quite proud of this. It was quite strange, especially since I'm rather self-concious of my legs. Pondering, I checked out my stomach. I could make out the lines of those muscles too. Just slightly, but they were there. I smiled again. My hair was a bed-mess but, goddammit, that worked too.

To summarise that, I thought I looked good, despite having just crawled out of bed. This is a milestone for me. I never think I look good. Was my mind still clouded by the haze of sleep, or was it because I wasn't wearing my glasses and I was ever so slightly out of focus?
Or was it that I actually feel good about myself?

I like to think that it's that last one and I'm regaining my self-confidence after I had it ripped away from me so brutally a couple of years ago.
And I think I know what, or, rather, who has sparked this.

But yes. I heard the beep and went to retrieve my porridge. I stirred in some brown sugar and a dollop of honey, watching it change into some sweet, warming tone of beige. I carried it back into the living room and smiled again at the mirror on the way past.
I think we're friends now.
Sunday, 13 February 2011

Blood on my Sleeve

I've not blogged in a while. Egads!
The fact of the matter is that I've been far too busy doing nothing. Yupp. Nothing.
Yes, I've done the odd bit of college work and yes, I've done a bit of writing, but that's about it.
As a result, I've got nothing to blog about.

Well... I could post up what I've written.
Yes. I'll do that.

It felt like such a cliché, and perhaps it was. The rain beat down on the freshly-made corpse, water running into the smashed skull of that dear friend of mine. It couldn't wash away the blood, there was far too much. It just made the puddle spread even faster. I crouched down and looked into his face. He was forever going to have that look of shock on his face, the shock of realising who I was and that I was going to kill him. Poor bastard. I almost pitied him. He had deserved it, of course, but nobody especially wants to have their head bashed in against an art installation. I looked closer. I thought I saw his brain, perhaps, almost pulsing out through the cracks, his hair matted with blood. It was almost beautiful. He had always boasted about his brilliant brain, and there it was, just sitting there, useless.

I could hear people walking down the street behind me, their drunken cackles filling the air. It must have been past three by now. I decided to make my way home before my creation was discovered as they would surely discover me along side it. I sighed. I would have liked to revel in my revenge a little longer, but it wasn't the most sensible option. I cleaned off my leather gloves in a nearby puddle, pulled them off and stuffed them into my pocket. I could finally take my mask off; it was getting quite stuffy in there. I untied it from the back of my head and fastened it to my shoulder. That's when I noticed that my victim's blood had splattered up my sleeve. Such a bother. I'd have to wash my coat before anybody noticed. Oh well. Time to go home.

As I walked, I pulled the playing cards out of my second pocket and thumbed through them. Six cards missing. I flicked through until I found the five of hearts, separated it from the others and held it in my mouth as I put the rest away again. I got to the top of Linthorpe Road pretty quickly and stopped to look at the bells. Hell's Bells, I had heard them get called, since they were arranged I such a way that resembled a pentagram. If I'd wanted to be a little more poetic, I should have lured him here. Such a shame that I hadn't thought of it sooner. I shrugged. Too late now. I took the five of hearts in both hands and tore it in half, right through the middle and threw the pieces to the ground. Nice and symbolic. The fifth person on my list of the ones who tore my heart apart. And mind, probably. Even at this point, I was pretty sure that I'd gone mad. Or maybe they'd all gone mad and I was the only sane one left. I preferred the second explanation, of course. My actions were perfectly justified. I wasn't a psycho-killer. I wasn't just murdering people at random. They were the ones who had performed the 'insane' actions.

But, yes. The torn five lay on the ground under Hell's Bells, the rain darkening the jagged edges. I smiled at this, wondering if people would connect the ruined five to the corpse by the Bottle of Notes. Probably not. Even if they did, they wouldn't know what it meant. There's no way they could connect this to me, either. Nobody had seen me. Nobody knew I was going out. I hadn't gotten a bus or a taxi. I hadn't done anything sick like take a photograph of my work, and the combination of the very fact that my coat was red and the pouring rain was soaking into it meant that the blood could barely be seen. Oh, I'm far too clever for this world. I knew I'd have to take all the playing cards down from my walls when I got home. If someone did try to connect me to all of this, they would be a dead giveaway.
Dead. Nice pun.

I turned and carried on walking down Linthorpe Road. Right down the centre of the street. The only cars out at this time of night would be the occasional taxi, and I could easily jump out of the way of one of those. A smile grew across my face as I remembered a song I had been listening to that evening. I began to hum the tune as I walked, then danced along. I twirled, the tails of my coat spinning out around me, and I began to sing.
He had it coming,
he had it coming. He only had himself to blame...”
The drunkards were just ahead of me, and they gawped at my joy.
“If you'd have been there,
if you'd have seen it...”
There were screams from the direction I had came from. Someone must have spotted my handiwork. I smiled again. Perfect timing.
“...I betcha you would have done the same.”


Please, please leave me some comments! I kind of want to finish writing this story of murder and revenge...

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October Wolfe
Jester of Misfortune.
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