Friday, 27 May 2011

Money, thou art a heartless bitch

I am currently very jealous of my dear Sally Slander. We were talking about circuses the other night after she went to go and see one, and it's gotten me all hyped up again about the subject.

In merry old England, down in London, you can do an actual degree in circus arts. It's just amazing. If I could, I would go and do it. But....

  • Living in London is damn expensive.
  • Degrees are damn expensive.
  • I found out about this one after I started my current degree, so I couldn't get funding for all two/three years.
  • Degrees are more expensive if you already have one
  • Degrees are even more expensive now that our government is, excuse my language, fucking ridiculous.
Over in Finland, they don't have the godawful idea that you have to sell your soul if you want to learn something. As far as I'm aware, you don't have to pay anything, just your own living costs. 
I am jealous of her, over in Finland, with her not-shit government and 'I think I'll go and learn whatever'. And she can. She could just go and do it.
But me? I'm stuck here on this rock that used to be the most powerful country in the world, unable to do anything because the government keeps running out of money by being a yes-man to the USA. 

I'm having my dreams crushed because of money. Part of me wants me to have failed second year so I'd have two years of funding left and be able to do the FdA in Circus Arts.
Besides, what use is a degree in which you've specialised in costume if you want to be a circus freak?
I have a year left on that degree. Maybe something will magically appear by the time I've finished.
If not, I'll just have to resign to my fate of being a lowly, unexciting costumier (and hell, even getting a job in that field is unlikely).

Or run away to Finland. 

Don't get me wrong, I do love making costumes. I'd be so thrilled if I got a proper costuming job. If someone offered me work designing costumes for a film or something, I'd jump at the chance. The only problem is this.
I have been told that I am a 'natural performer'. I am, act and look ridiculous. I over gesture when I want to be mock-dramatic. I can slip into character in an instant.
The only problem with that is that I lack confidence in myself. But that's fixable, I'm sure.
But yes, the first problem. With that comes the inability to be able to stand the monotony of your every day job. I'd go mad if I had to sit in an office all day or answer phones, or even just stand at a checkout and have to listen to the endless 'bip...bip...bip...' as things got their barcodes read.

Yes, 'costumier' is not that, It's not that at all. 
My heart is in the creation of costumes, of props, of design, but my soul belongs to the circus.


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October Wolfe
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