Sunday, 31 October 2010


My parents have been away this week. It's given me a lot of time to myself (although I did spend a fair chunk of it out of the house). I have this feeling that something is missing. Something in me. It's not that 'something missing' from before, ie. Becky, it's something else. It's that little thing that makes me feel good about being me.
Now, today, I felt that little spark of 'living', if you will. I was up at the church at Whitby, dressed in my very first proper Cirquepunk outfit, playing with my Flowersticks. Since it's currently Goth Weekend, the place was full of photographers. Every so often, one would appear, ask me if they could take my photograph and whathaveyou. This had been going on all day, really, but just when I was walking around. Up at the church, though, while I was happily circusing just for the sheer fun of it, a whole herd of photographers started to circle me. My friends had counted them – I was in double figures with my photog-collecting. It was slightly unnerving, but at the same time, it felt amazing. All of these people watching me, wanting to capture my image for whatever reason.
I've been to Whitby Goth Weekend plenty of times, but nothing like this has ever happened before. I had people complimenting my outfit, my makeup, my hat and so on.

I think I'm starting to come out of my shell a bit. I think what sparked it was the summer. It was a massive confidence boost, I'll tell you that. After all that stuff about two years ago, with all the manipulation, fake-blame, lies and constant put-downs, having someone tell me I was, shall we say, crunchy seems to have lifted me out of my ongoing mental slump.

For example, I don't think I could have ever gone out to Whitby looking like I did. I'd be far too paranoid of those people in the street, the faceless masses, the collective 'they'.
I certainly wouldn't have danced around with my college friends at a Halloween party, gotten over-excited when the Time Warp came on, fell over, then cheered when the DJ made an announcement to everybody else that the floor was a bit slippy.
Hell, it's a well-known fact that I don't dance.

But, I digress. I felt the spark of 'living'.
And I want more.

ps. On another note, Here's my newest vlog.


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October Wolfe
Jester of Misfortune.
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